<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>hide and seek by iwishiwaskidding</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25117849">hide and seek</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwishiwaskidding/pseuds/iwishiwaskidding'>iwishiwaskidding</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Total Drama (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Break Up, Courtney is stressed, Duncan smokes cigarettes, F/M, Heartbreak, Implied Sexual Content, Inspired by Music, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, everyone is sad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:36:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,972</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25117849</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwishiwaskidding/pseuds/iwishiwaskidding</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>sinking, feeling / spin me round again / and rub my eyes / this can't be happening</p><p>She finally looks at him, and she’s struck by just how miserable he looks. This is it. She wants to run for the door, put off their breakup for several more weeks.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Courtney/Duncan (Total Drama)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. don't speak</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>you and me / I can see us dying / aren't we?</strong><br/>
<strong>don't speak - no doubt</strong>
</p>
<p>Looking out the window, Courtney tries to focus on the scenery instead of the silence in the car, the sorrow in the air. He’s taking the long way to her house, and she knows it’s because he’s trying to delay the inevitable for as long as he can. They both know what’s going to happen once they get there, and it’s something neither want. But, oh, is it needed.</p>
<p>Things haven’t been working. It’s mostly her fault. She’s been stressed with what feels like the weight of the world, but is really just senior projects, finalizing college plans, and absent parents. The fact that her relationship is falling apart makes everything worse. They rarely get to see each other, and, when they do, she’s so far away from him. This wasn’t what they had in mind when he moved out to Toronto for her. He must resent her. It’s time to put a pin in it.</p>
<p>Duncan pulls into her driveway and turns the car off. She finally looks at him, and she’s struck by just how miserable he looks. This is it. She wants to run for the door, put off their breakup for several more weeks. (Or months. Or years. How’s never?)</p>
<p>She doesn’t make a run for it. Instead, her eyes well up with tears, and she just keeps looking at him. She’s frozen. He sighs, leans over the console, pulls her into a kiss. It’s soft and slow and heartbreaking and over way too soon.</p>
<p>“This is over, isn’t it?” Courtney whispers, trying to keep the tears at bay. These are the first words either have said since leaving the restaurant, and right away she wants to take them back. She can’t.</p>
<p>The last bit of his composure falls completely as he sighs again. He’s still holding her face. “Shit, Court. Can we… let’s go inside. I don’t want to do this out here.”</p>
<p><em>I don’t want to do this at all</em>, Courtney wants to scream. <em>I don’t want to break up. I don’t want you to leave</em>. She just nods. She doesn’t trust herself to speak. Brushing her cheek with his thumb one last time, he gets out of the car. He opens her door for her, offers her a hand, and she takes it, laces their fingers together. She’s going to get everything she can out of this.</p>
<p>Somewhere between the car and the front door, she starts crying. She can’t help it; she’s marching towards the death of her relationship. She only lets go of his hand to unlock the door, and then she’s holding it again. It’s warm and safe and represents all that is good in her life. All that isn’t going to be here after tonight.</p>
<p>They settle on the couch together, their knees touching and their hands clasped. It’s silent again, neither wanting to be the bad guy. They’re at a stalemate.</p>
<p>Then, “this doesn’t feel real,” Courtney murmurs. “Duncan, I… you have to do it. I can’t break up with you. I just can’t. I… I love you so much. I can’t end it.” She looks down at their hands. “Oh, God. This feels like a nightmare. This has to be a nightmare. This can’t be real. I can’t believe this is happening.”</p>
<p>Duncan calms her down the best way he knows how. Letting go of a hand and grabbing her chin, he closes the space between them and presses his lips to hers. She melts into the kiss, her hand coming to rest on his chest.</p>
<p>“Shh, Court, shh. I know. I know, baby,” he soothes as he pulls away. “I wish this didn’t have to happen, but shit… we can’t keep doing this. This,” he points between them, “this isn’t okay. We need a break.”</p>
<p>“Don’t,” Courtney spits as she recoils from him. “You can’t. You can’t just say that. My heart… it’s breaking. My heart is breaking, and you’re talking about how much we suck together? Just stop, okay? Stop. I can’t… stop.”</p>
<p>“And you think my heart isn’t breaking?” Duncan returns, his voice breaking. Suddenly, he’s crying. “Fuck, Court. I love you, too. I don’t want us to break up, either. Do you actually think I want this? Because I don’t.”</p>
<p>He’s crying. Duncan’s crying. She doesn’t know what to do. She’s never seen him cry before, and she wants to be proud of him for expressing his negative emotions in a healthy way, but she can’t when this is why he’s crying. All she can do is continue to cry with him.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… It just sucks, you know? So much.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, baby. I know.” He wipes a tear away. “Trust me. This is the last thing I want to be doing tonight, but…” He sniffs, and more tears start falling. “Fuck, I can’t do this.”</p>
<p>If Courtney thought her heart was breaking before, now it’s in a million little pieces. She can’t sit here and watch him cry. Wrapping her arms around him, she pulls him to her, his head resting on her breast. She smooths his hair down with one hand and rubs his back with the other. They’ve been in this position hundreds of times, but never like this. It’s always him comforting her.</p>
<p>They sit there for a while, Courtney whispering platitudes into his ear just like he taught her to do. He just returns the hug and clings to her as tightly as he can.</p>
<p>Finally, Duncan lifts his head. His face is dry, but her shirt is wet. She doesn’t mind so much. She’s the one who still hasn’t been able to stop crying. Their eyes lock for a long moment.</p>
<p>“Sorry about that.” Duncan unwraps his arms from around her and sits up straight, forcing her arms to fall to her side. He’s not looking at her. “I didn’t mean to… actually, no. Fuck that. I’m not sorry.” He shifts until they’re sitting next to each other instead of towards each other and looks down at her. “I love you. I’m not gonna pretend I’m not sad about losing you. That’s bullshit.”</p>
<p>“It’s all bullshit.” Courtney leans into him, closes her eyes. “I still can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m losing a huge part of me, the most important part.” Opening her eyes, she looks up at him. “Do we… do we really have to do this? Duncan, I’m… I’m scared. I’m so afraid I won’t like who I am without you.”</p>
<p>Sighing, Duncan presses a kiss to her temple. “I’m not even close to the most important part of you. Court, you’re amazing. You’re easily the most musically talented person I’ve ever met, incredibly intelligent, breathtakingly gorgeous, and so, so brave. You’re so brave. I know exactly who you are, which is so much more than just my girlfriend. There’s no way you don’t like that girl. She’s the one I fell in love with.</p>
<p>“Court, you know we can’t keep doing this.” He wraps his arm around her, pressing her closer. “I don’t know when it happened, but we aren’t healthy anymore. We need to take some time apart if this is going to work.”</p>
<p>“And we can’t even be friends?” Courtney asks, though she knows the answer is a resounding no. She’s never considered him a friend, and she’s not going to start now. It’s all or nothing with them.</p>
<p>“I think we need a clean break,” Duncan says, and, though she was expecting it, she starts crying even harder. Hearing him say it makes it real. She can’t pretend anymore. “I hate it. I really hate it, but I don’t think I could handle just being your friend. It’d be way too hard. I’d rather have nothing.”</p>
<p>Nothing. He’d rather have nothing. How is she expected to respond to that? No words can explain just how not okay with nothing she is. It doesn’t feel fair. He’s all she knows, and she’s expected to go to nothing? That’s not possible.</p>
<p>Courtney’s entire body trembles as she turns it into his. She buries her face in his chest, right next to his heart, and listens to its rhythm. It doesn’t calm her like it usually does. After tonight, their hearts won’t beat together.</p>
<p>“I… no. No. Duncan, I… no,” she chokes out between breaths, mostly to herself. “I… this isn’t real. This isn’t real. I can’t.  Duncan… no.”</p>
<p>Duncan closes his eyes and hides himself in her hair. “I know, baby. But it’s not forever. I promise. We’ll get through this. This is not the end of us. It can’t be.”</p>
<p>It’s not forever. They’ll get through this. This isn’t the end. His words anger her more than they comfort her, which she knows was his intention. Not forever is vague. We’ll get through this offers no time frame. This is not the end sounds like he’s trying to convince himself. She wants certainties, not hopeful yet bullshit promises.</p>
<p>(What she wants is to not do this at all. To stay together and fight for each other. But that’s not an option, is it?)</p>
<p>“But when?” She pulls away from him, looks him in the eyes. “How long? Because it feels like it is the end.”</p>
<p>“How long?” Duncan’s brow furrows, and Courtney can see the wheels turning in his head. She knows him well enough to tell he has no idea. “When we can… after we… I… fuck, Court.” He drops his head. “I don’t know. I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>It’s the most defeated he’s sounded all night, and she’s reminded once again that this is happening to him, too. He loves her, too. He doesn’t want this either. Her heart and his are both breaking. They’re in this together.</p>
<p>Her face softens, and she grabs his, forcing him to look at her. She’s still crying, and his eyes are starting to well up again, too. They’re in this together. Taking a deep breath, she musters up every bit of courage she can find. “I believe in us. We… we will. We’ll get through it, like you said. We can… we can be our own people for a little while, and then try again. All we’re doing is pressing pause, right?”</p>
<p>He doesn’t say anything. He just stares at her, his expression unreadable. It’s unsettling. Does he… did he change his mind? Does he want this to be forever? She loses her courage as she frantically searches his face. “Right? Duncan, right? Are you… please?”</p>
<p>Blinking several times, he nods. It’s almost as if he’s regaining his senses. “Right. Yes. Just pressing pause. I’m here. I’m listening.” He envelops her in a hug, gingerly kisses her cheek. “It’s still gonna suck, though.”</p>
<p>“Yeah. It’s gonna suck a whole lot.” Courtney lets out a watery laugh, the reality of the situation really starting to set in. She's single for the first time in almost two years! “I’m not… I’m not your girlfriend anymore. And you’re not my boyfriend. This sucks! Duncan, you’re right!” She laughs again, and he tightens his grip on her. “It sucks!”</p>
<p>“Fuck,” he mumbles. “Yeah. This is… shit.” His fists clench around the fabric of her shirt as he sighs. “This is real now. We’re broken up. Fuck.” He pauses. “What do we do now?”</p>
<p>“Can we… can we just stay like this for a few minutes? I don’t want to say goodbye yet. Or maybe this is us saying goodbye. I don’t know.” Her arms come around him, and she hates how tiny her voice is. She doesn’t sound like herself, but maybe she isn’t right now.</p>
<p>She thinks she feels him nod, but her face is in the crook of his neck, and her eyes are closed. “Yeah, baby. We can. I’d like that.”</p>
<p>Then, it’s quiet. The only sounds are Courtney’s sniffles and the grandfather clock in the corner, ticking away their last seconds together. It’s only fitting.</p>
<p>Duncan pulls away first, his hands coming to rest on her shoulders. She lifts her head, looks at him, waits. “I should probably go now. It’s getting late,” he whispers, his expression glum.</p>
<p>Though she doesn’t want to, she nods. A fresh wave a tears is threatening to fall, but she’s determined to keep them in until he’s gone. She doesn’t want the last time he sees her to be when she’s actively crying. “That’s probably… that’s probably for the best. I’ll walk you to the door? We can… we can say goodbye there.”</p>
<p>He stands up from the couch, and she stands with him. His hand finds the small of her back, and it’s the only physical contact they share while walking to the door. They reach it, and he turns to her. “I… shit. I love you, Court. Please remember that. I’ll see you around, okay?” He reaches for the handle, his eyes still on her, and she panics. He can’t leave yet! There’s so much more she needs to tell him.</p>
<p>“Wait. Duncan, wait.” His hand falls back to his side. “Don’t go yet. I want to… can I kiss you? Please? Then… then you can go.”</p>
<p>“You can always kiss me. You know that.” His voice is low and sultry in a way she has always found incredibly sexy, and she launches herself at him.</p>
<p>Grabbing the back of his head, she pushes it down, and their lips crash against each other’s. Her other hand finds his shoulder, and he places his hands low on her hips. It’s a hungry kiss, their tongues fighting for dominance inside his mouth. She arches her back, and his hand migrates to her ass. With every squeeze, caress, and rock of the hips, they say goodbye.</p>
<p>They both know it’s the last kiss for the foreseeable future.</p>
<p>Suddenly, the dam breaks. This is their last kiss. There will be no more after this one, after he leaves. How can she ever let it end? It’s too much. As tears start streaming down Courtney’s face, the kiss turns gentle. Duncan’s lips leave hers, and he kisses both of her cheeks several times. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, resting his forehead on hers. “I love you. I’m sorry. Do you want to stop?”</p>
<p>She shakes her head and looks at him for a long moment. His eyes are clouded with lust, but she can feel the concern and heartbreak shining through. All three of those emotions are doing something to her, and there’s only one thing she wants right now. Stopping isn’t it. “I want you to take me upstairs.”</p>
<p>(There are a million and one things she wants: her parents to care, someone to tell her what to study, Duncan to never leave, and the list goes on. Right now, though? All she wants is him inside her.)</p>
<p>He glances towards the stairs, then back at her. “Are you sure? I mean, should we? I want to, but…”</p>
<p>“Probably not,” she admits, her thumb stroking his bicep. “But I also don’t care. I love you, and a kiss isn’t… it’s not enough. Nothing will be enough, but, just… please? I don’t… I don’t want you… please?”</p>
<p>An array of emotions flashes across his features, only about half of which she can place, then he’s grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the stairs. “Yeah. Fuck. Whatever you want, Princess. Let’s do this.”</p>
<p>She doesn’t reply. She just lets him drag her up the stairs and to her room. It’s not whatever she wants. If it were, they wouldn’t be breaking up at all, and they wouldn’t have to worry about this. She thinks she should stop dwelling on that and just enjoy their last time together.</p>
<p>The lights stay off when they make it to her room. After the door closes behind them, he takes both of her hands and holds them between their chests. “I need to ask one more time. Are you sure? Tell me exactly what you want.”</p>
<p>“I’m sure,” Courtney murmurs. “I want you to make love to me.” She thinks better of mentioning the other thing.</p>
<p>“Okay.” Duncan kisses her sweetly and drops her hands. Instead, he unbuttons her blouse, taking it off in the process. Her skirt is next, and he kneels to get the zipper and pull it down. She steps out of it, and he picks her up, carries her to her bed, lays her down in the middle of it.</p>
<p>He moves away, and she watches as he sheds his shirt and slacks. They’re both down to their undergarments when he joins her in bed. “You still want this?” he asks as he settles between her legs.</p>
<p>She nods, wraps an arms around his neck. “Of course, I do.”</p>
<p>Lowering himself all the way, he kisses her briefly on the lips. Then, he’s peppering her neck, shoulders, collarbone with kisses and unclasping her bra. Once it’s off, he palms a breast with one hand and massages her upper thigh with the other. He kisses down her torso until he reaches her navel. She’s left with nothing to do but enjoy the sensation and dig her fingernails into his shoulder.</p>
<p>Oh, and cry. She can’t forget the crying.</p>
<p>His hands grab her hips, and he pulls off her last article of clothing, and she can’t help but sob. She loves him, and this is the last time they're going to do this. It’s the kiss all over again, but this time it’s so much more intense.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” She can feel his face hovering over hers, but she doesn’t open her eyes. “Court, look at me. Are you okay?”</p>
<p>She shakes her head, her eyes still closed, and she hears him sigh and feels him sit down between her knees. “Okay. Do you want to stop?” She shakes her head again. “Tell me with words. And look at me when you say it. Please? I need you to do that for me.”</p>
<p>Opening her eyes, she finds his automatically. “I don’t want to stop. I want you to keep going.”</p>
<p>“Can you tell me what’s wrong first?” He lies down next to her, propping himself up on his elbow, and cups her cheek. “That would make me feel a lot better.” She just stares at him, her eyebrows creasing, but she wants to scream. Why is he asking that? It’s the same thing that’s been wrong all evening!</p>
<p>There must be something in her expression because he sighs, nods, kisses her. “I’m sorry. I know. That was a dumb question.” He takes off his boxers and reclaims his spot between her legs. “I love you, Courtney.”</p>
<p>“I love you, too, Duncan.” She places her hands on his shoulders. “Now can it… can it be time?”</p>
<p>“It can be time,” he chuckles, moving the hair out of her face. “You’re beautiful. I love you.” Then, their bodies join together as one.</p>
<p>It’s soft and slow and quiet, and he whispers his love the whole way through. She cries the entire time, and he lets out a few tears, too. Their eyes stay locked when they’re not kissing, and they keep one hand intertwined.</p>
<p>Thirty minutes later, they lie beside each other, shoulder to shoulder. He’s still holding her hand, and Courtney doesn’t think she’ll ever stop crying. This is it. There’s nothing left to keep him here. Letting go of his hand, she flips to her side and curls into herself. Her back is facing him. “You’re going to leave now.” It’s not a question.</p>
<p>The bed shifts behind her as he moves, then his hand is on her shoulder. He sighs, “I probably should, yeah. Don't really want to.”</p>
<p><em>Then don’t!</em> The words are on the tip of her tongue. <em>Stay the night! We can say goodbye in the morning. Or not.</em></p>
<p>Instead, she shakes his hand off and forces herself to sit up. “If you don’t leave now, I’ll never let you. You should get dressed.”</p>
<p>“That doesn’t make it any easier, you know?” Duncan sits in front of her, touches her knee. “Are you going to be okay? I don’t think I can leave you here crying.”</p>
<p>“You should get dressed,” she repeats, getting out of bed. His hand falls to his side. She grabs her robe and wraps it tight. It’s the only comfort she’ll allow herself. “I’ll walk you down.”</p>
<p>“You don’t need to do that,” he says as he pulls his boxers back on. Then, he gets up and walks around the bed to her. He reaches out to graze her arm, but she takes a step back. He groans, “dammit, Court. Stop making this so hard. Just… just come here, okay? I’m trying to… I love you, and this isn’t easy. I don’t want our last moments together to be so… distant. I want to leave on a somewhat good note. So, baby, can you give me that?”</p>
<p>Mumbling an apology, she takes a step forward. He just wants to leave on a good note. How can she deprive him of that? If he can give her a goodbye kiss and goodbye sex, then she can let him do whatever it is he needs to do. It’s not all about her.</p>
<p>He wraps his arms around her and pulls her to his chest without saying anything. His hand sweeps up and down her back, and the other arm is tight across her shoulders. She just listens to him breathe. He pulls away after two minutes. “Thank you, Court. I love you. Goodbye.”</p>
<p>“I love you, too. Goodbye,” she returns, and he lets go completely. She follows as he finishes getting dressed. “I’m still going to walk you down. I need to lock the door. But… but can this just be it? Can we not say goodbye again?”</p>
<p>“I don’t think I could.” He opens her door, and she walks through it. “We don’t need to say anything else. There are too many words. Or not enough. I don’t know.”</p>
<p>She nods, and they walk down the stairs. In addition to no words, they silently agree to no contact. She wordlessly unlocks her front door and opens it for him. He takes a deep breath, leans down, kisses her cheek. Then, he’s gone. What’s she supposed to do now?</p>
<p>Turning her back to the door, she leans against it and slides down to the ground. Unsurprisingly, fresh tears are falling down her face. She listens as he turns on his truck and as it idles for several minutes. She wonders what he’s doing. Smoking a cigarette? Having a good cry? Telling the world he’s newly single? She sits until she hears him put the truck in gear, back out of the driveway, drive down the street. She sits until she can’t hear it anymore.</p>
<p>It's the first night of many of crying herself to sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. total eclipse of the heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sometimes he hates himself for letting things end like they did. Mostly at night or in the morning when he wakes up or in the middle of the goddamn day when work is slow and he has moment to think about her. Correction: he always hates himself for letting things end at all.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>once upon a time there was light in my life / but now there's only love in the dark / nothing I can say / a total eclipse of the heart</strong><br/>
<strong>total eclipse of the heart - bonnie tyler</strong>
</p>
<p>Worked sucked, and now the only thing Duncan wants is for his (ex)girlfriend to curl up next to him in bed and tell him all about her day. She’d lay her head on his chest and trace shapes on his stomach while debating the pros and cons of criminal justice versus music theory and composition. He’d hold her close to him, play with her hair, listen as she shared all her fears and dreams for the future.</p>
<p>Instead, he lies in bed and tries to convince himself that he shouldn’t call the one person who has always been able to make his day better no matter what. Tries to convince himself that this break is a good idea and that he shouldn’t bother her. Tries to convince himself that she’s doing fine without him. It’s all bullshit.</p>
<p>Nineteen days ago he left her standing in her doorway, and nothing has been the same since.</p>
<p>Sometimes he hates himself for letting things end like they did. Mostly at night or in the morning when he wakes up or in the middle of the goddamn day when work is slow and he has moment to think about her. Correction: he always hates himself for letting things end at all.</p>
<p>Things weren’t working between them. It was his fault. She’s been stressed with everything, and he knows it. He’s always known it. Instead of offering even a sliver of support or fighting for her or just being fucking present, he let her drift away until neither of them were there anymore. Now, he hasn’t seen or spoken to her in nineteen days, and he wants a do-over. He wants her.</p>
<p>They made it through two summers of Hell and a year and a half of long distance, so why couldn’t they last even three months under normal circumstances? Because he couldn’t put in the effort to keep their relationship alive.</p>
<p>He hates himself, and she must hate him, too. All he knows how to do is love her, but that wasn’t enough for him to try to make things work. She practically begged him to stay, and he left anyway. He hates himself even more.</p>
<p>Rolling out of bed, Duncan forces himself to stop this line of thinking. It’s not doing him any good, and he has to mentally prepare himself for Geoff’s phone call. He grabs a glass of water and sits down on his couch.</p>
<p>It will be the first time speaking to any of his castmates since that night. He’s put it off, ignoring all calls or texts, but he can’t any longer. Geoff, along with Bridgette, is coming to visit in three days, and they need to talk plans.</p>
<p>The only person he’s told about the breakup is his ma. That was eighteen days ago, and she mourned with him from across the country. She listened to him cry about it and cried with him. The daily texts he gets from her are his only source of comfort.</p>
<p>He knows she hasn’t told anyone, either. Her parents are never around, and it would have gotten back to him if she told anyone else. His heart breaks for her, more than it already is. She’s going through it alone. He gets his (second) favorite person, and she gets no one. It’s unfair, and he tries put the thought out of his head.</p>
<p>He doesn’t want to tell Geoff tonight. He wants to hold on to it and pretend it never happened. It’ll be more real once everyone finds out. But, fuck, someone needs to warn them about what they’re walking into.</p>
<p>Before he has the chance to figure everything out, his phone rings. Geoff’s name flashes across the screen. Is it time already? Leaning back on the couch, he answers it. “Hey.”</p>
<p>“Dude! Duncster! What up?” Geoff greets. “You excited to see me or what?”</p>
<p>“Or what.” He tries to put energy he doesn’t feel into his voice. The last thing he needs is for Geoff to realize something’s off. Too bad he’s never been good at pretending. “How’re you doin’, man?”</p>
<p>“Great! I’m about to see my best bros and favorite ladies! What’s not to love about life right now?” Duncan can think of a few things, and they all have to do with her. He doesn’t mention them. “The real question is: how are you doing? Dude, you’ve been M.I.A for, like, a month. Surprised you’re even talking to me now. Deej said you weren’t talkin' to him, either. What’s goin’ on?”</p>
<p><em>Court and I broke up</em>, repeats like a broken record in his head. <em>Everything sucks, and I hate myself.</em></p>
<p>Those would be truthful answers to Geoff’s questions.</p>
<p>Instead, he says, “nothin’ much, G. I’ve just been busy. Sorry for disappearing or whatever, but work leaves me exhausted most of the time. I pretty much just sleep and work.” (And miss her.)</p>
<p>“You okay?” Geoff asks, and Duncan panics. “You sound kinda… weird. Like, all tired and shit. Everything okay?”</p>
<p>Everything is not okay, but he’s not ready to talk about it. “Work sucked today. Told you it’s been exhausting recently. That’s all it is.” He needs to turn the conversation back to Geoff. “So, when are you getting in? Where are you staying? What are your plans?”</p>
<p>“I’m actually driving down on Friday! Well, I’m leavin’ on Friday, but I won’t get here until, like, four in the morning on Saturday. It’s gonna rock.”</p>
<p>“You’re driving.” Duncan momentarily forgets about everything going on in his life for the first time since he got home from work. Geoff’s driving. From Halifax. “I don’t think that’s a great idea, especially since you’ll be alone. Isn’t that, like, a seventeen hour drive? That feels dangerous.”</p>
<p>Geoff huffs, “okay, mom. You’re, like, the fourth person who’s told me that. Thought you’d be cool about it, but I guess all that Court’s rubbin’ off on you. It’ll be fine, though! I totally got it. School’s canceled on Friday, so I get to leave in the morning. I’ll have a full night’s sleep! And I’ll just drink an energy drink when I get tired. No biggie.”</p>
<p>He can think of several “biggies” in Geoff’s plan, but the path between his brain and his mouth has stopped working. This is exactly why he’s been ignoring calls and exactly why he needs to tell people about the breakup. The mention of her name paired with a reference to their relationship is too much. Thankfully, Geoff doesn’t seem to find his silence important because he just continues.</p>
<p>“Bridge found us an Airbnb in Milton. I’m hopin’ we hook up, but I dunno what’s gonna happen. She’s not comin’ ’til Sunday, so I’m crashing on Deej’s couch for a couple days. You’ll have to hang with us.”</p>
<p>“I’m sure I will,” Duncan says once he finds his voice. “It’ll be nice to see you, man. It’s been a while. You and Bridgette have any actual plans or are you just going to wing it?”</p>
<p>“It’s been waaay too long! I haven’t seen any of you since August, and it’s almost April. That’s too many months. You and Court and Deej can see each other whenever you want. It’s not fair.” Geoff’s wrong. He can’t see her whenever he wants, and that’s what’s not fair. “I’m guessing the five of us are gonna try to get together at some point. It’ll be the first time were all in the same place without Chris Mclean. That’s cause for celebration! But that’s the only thing I have planned, and it’s not even planned yet.”</p>
<p>It’s quiet for a moment. Then, then Geoff asks the one question Duncan’s been dreading. “So, how’s Court? Still mega stressed about everything?”</p>
<p>There’s nowhere to hide now. Time stops as he realizes that he can’t lie and pretend they’re still together. He has to actually tell the truth now, and it makes him want to hang up the phone and call her instead, take back the past nineteen days, be happy.</p>
<p>“Uh… Dunc? You still there?”</p>
<p>Time starts again. He has no idea how long he was out of it, but it doesn’t matter. Taking a deep breath, he drops the bombshell. “I wouldn’t know. Shit.”</p>
<p>Neither says anything for a full minute. Duncan doesn’t want to (can’t) expand on that statement, and he knows Geoff is trying to process it. Sometimes it takes him a while, but he doesn’t mind. He’s not exactly thrilled to talk about it.</p>
<p>“What’s that mean?” Geoff’s voice is full of confusion mixed with a small bit of concern, and Duncan sighs. “You two okay?”</p>
<p>“Not really. We’re… we’re not together anymore.” He closes his eyes and drags a hand down his face. “Fuck.”</p>
<p>It’s silent again, and he wishes Geoff would just say something already. It’s all out in the open, and, though no one can see him, he feels terrifyingly exposed. Is a little sympathy too much to ask for?</p>
<p>Geoff starts laughing, and it’s worse than the silence. It’s the opposite of sympathy; it’s ridicule. Nothing is funny about this situation, but Geoff seems to think so. Asshole. He wouldn’t have said anything if he knew this was going to be the reaction. He should have just let him walk into things blind.</p>
<p>After another minute, Geoff calms down. Then, “dude, that’s hilarious! No way y’all aren’t together. You’re too in love for that. Don’t you wanna, like, marry her? Like you’d ever break up with each other. Good joke, though.”</p>
<p>“Fuck you.” He can feel the anger rising, and he lets it. All he’s felt recently is heartbreak and self-loathing, and the anger feels good. Even better that he has someone other than himself to direct it towards. “It’s not a fucking joke. Why would I… just, shut up. You’re an asshole.”</p>
<p>“Wait. You’re not joking?” Geoff asks, and Duncan can hear the fear in his voice. He continues before he has the chance to answer, and he’s grateful for it. “Shit. Of course you’re not joking. I don’t think I’ve ever actually heard you make a joke. And I don’t know why you’d make a joke about that. You’ve always been, like, super protective of your relationship. Wow. I am an asshole. Sorry, man. When’d that happen?”</p>
<p>“Nineteen days ago,” he mumbles.</p>
<p>There’s a beat. There’s another beat. “Nineteen days ago? Dude! That’s, like…” Geoff pauses, and he can hear the thinking noises. “Almost three weeks! You broke up and didn’t tell me for three whole weeks? Dude, not cool.”</p>
<p>Not cool? Not cool?! How is that not cool? It’s none of his business! It’s not like this is happening to him. He’s glad this is only a phone call.  </p>
<p>“Fuck you. You’re the first person I told who isn’t my ma, and I wouldn’t even be telling you if you weren’t coming.” He takes a long sip of water, tries to cool down. “You know, this isn’t something I really want to shout from the rooftops. I’d prefer to just hold on to it.”</p>
<p>“I’m the first one you told?” Geoff sounds touched. Duncan doesn’t think that’s earned. “Okay, I take it back. Also, sorry. Again. I guess it isn’t really my business. Anyway, what happened? I didn’t think y’all would ever break up. Is it wrong that I’m a lil’ sad about it?”</p>
<p>Duncan lets out a humorless laugh. <em>I’m a lot sad about it</em>, he wants to say. <em>I didn’t think we’d ever break up either, but here I am: alone and missing her</em>. He doesn’t even know how to answer that first question. What happened, indeed?</p>
<p>“It just wasn’t working, so we’re taking a break,” he says instead. “It was mutual.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, right. Breakups are never mutual, and they’re never just a break. That’s just what the person who got dumped tells themselves to make themselves feel better. So, you got dumped? Ouch. That’s coldblooded on her part.”</p>
<p>It’s official. He wants to hit Geoff, and he probably would if it were two years ago and this wasn’t a phone call. He wants to hang up, but he also needs to defend her and their relationship, even if it isn’t much of one now.</p>
<p>“Fuck you.” That’s the third time now. He doesn’t care. “That’s not what happened. It was mutual. She didn’t dump me, and this isn’t permanent. We’re going to get back together.”</p>
<p>“So, you dumped her?” Geoff asks. “Wow. That’s even colder. It’s like I don’t even know you.”</p>
<p>Duncan closes his eyes, forces himself to count to ten. Then, “seriously, man. Shut up. You don’t know what you’re talking about. It was mutual. Neither of us dumped the other. I didn’t… do you think I could actually make the choice to break up with her? There’s no way.”</p>
<p>(He ignores the fact that it was his own negligence that killed their relationship. Geoff doesn’t need to know that.)</p>
<p>“Whatever you say, dude. Did you at least get some breakup sex in? Let me tell you, I’ve always wan–”</p>
<p>That’s it. He doesn’t want to hear Geoff’s voice anymore. Without saying goodbye, he hangs up and tosses his phone next to him on the couch. It should have been DJ instead of Geoff. He’d be more sympathetic, delicate, and refrain from pissing him the fuck off. Whatever, Geoff will tell DJ, and then he’ll be here in approximately forty five minutes.</p>
<p>His hands are shaking, and he wants to hit something, but he knows that won’t accomplish anything. It wouldn’t get rid of all this negative energy he has now. He needs to do something, anything to calm down, if not for his own sake then for DJ. Downing his water in one swig, he gets up to refill the glass. He downs it again, and it feels nice to blame the sick feeling in his stomach on something other than their breakup.</p>
<p>Placing the glass in the sink, he grabs the rim of the sink and tries to control the shaking. No matter how hard he tries to stop it, Geoff’s words are echoing in his mind.</p>
<p><em>Breakups are never mutual</em>.</p>
<p>As much as he hated every part of that conversation, that statement is true. Breakups are never mutual, and this one is no different. Yeah, they both knew they needed a break, but neither wanted it. They just accepted it, and then he left. (With a few things between, but thinking about those will only make him miss her in a way he doesn’t need.)</p>
<p>First, she all but begged him to stay. Then, she all but forced him out.</p>
<p>First, he almost left willingly. Then, he almost didn’t leave at all.</p>
<p>That’s not mutual.</p>
<p>He stands there for at least ten minute. The shaking hasn’t stopped, and he hates himself more with each passing second. He shouldn’t have left that night. He didn’t want to leave, and she didn’t want him to, either. He shouldn’t have let them break up. He should have stayed the night, then stayed in the morning, then stay forever. They could be having a nice, quiet night together, and instead he’s miserable and alone, and she’s… he doesn’t want to think about how she’s doing.</p>
<p>It’s too quiet. He mechanically walks over to his CD player and turns it on. Biber’s Rosary Sonatas performed on the violin by one Courtney Correa fills his apartment. It’s the CD she recorded him for his seventeenth birthday, back when he was still across the country. They were together, though, and happy.</p>
<p>Settling back on the couch, he listens as she makes the music and their love come alive. It’s only the third time he’s let himself listen to it since.</p>
<p>The first time, it was three days after. He thought it would make him feel better, miss her less. It did the opposite.</p>
<p>The second time, it was ten days after. He knew it would make things worse, but he needed to hear her voice.</p>
<p>Now, now he just doesn’t give a shit. He’ll hate himself whether he listens to it or not.</p>
<p>Duncan closes his eyes and focuses on the sound of her violin, upright bass, piano, electric bass, voice. He’s always loved and still loves hearing her make music, and every song on this CD brings back a specific memory. The moment he realized he liked her; how it felt the first time she held his hand; her repulsed yet adorable face when he gave her his iPod, and she started listening; the thirty four hours between Red Deer and Aurora they drove together.</p>
<p>Fuck, he misses her.</p>
<p>She finishes up the last stanza of <em>My Heart Will Go On</em>, an inside joke and the only non-instrumental track, and he knows what coming next. He knows the words she’s going to speak to him, memorized them within a week of receiving the CD. They’ll do the most damage, but he can’t find it in him to turn it off.</p>
<p>“<em>Happy birthday, Duncan! Seventeen is going to be a great year for you! For us</em>.” He can hear the smile in her voice. “<em>I miss you so much, honey. I can’t wait until we get to see each other. No matter when you listen to this, that’s always true. I’m always going to miss you and want to see you. As long as we aren’t together, anyway</em>.” She laughs at her own joke, and he wonders if she still feels that way. He does. “<em>I love you. Just, I love you, Duncan. I miss you, and I love you. Happy birthday</em>.”</p>
<p>With that, the CD starts again. He doesn’t turn it off.</p>
<p>He knows this is pathetic and unhealthy, and he doesn’t care. He knows that if anyone saw him like this, they’d feel sorry and embarrassed for him. Someone should, because he certainly doesn’t.</p>
<p>It plays through once more. He thinks there must be a lot of traffic between Brampton and here because it’s taking DJ longer than he thought it would.</p>
<p>It plays through twice more. He worries that DJ’s not coming. That Geoff never told him or that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he needs someone to care.</p>
<p>It plays through almost three times more when there’s finally a knock on his door. DJ’s about two hours too late, but that’s better than not coming at all.</p>
<p>Turning off the CD player, he opens the door. Sure enough, DJ is standing on the other side. DJ takes one look at him, and what can only be described as pity covers his face. He wonders how exhausted and miserable he looks and if it’s comparable to how he actually feels.</p>
<p>“I know it’s late, but can I come in?” DJ asks once he gets his expression under control.</p>
<p>Duncan sighs, “yeah. I thought you’d be here two hours ago.”</p>
<p>DJ shifts uncomfortably and clears his throat. “Sorry. I was… sorry.”</p>
<p>There’s only way to interpret that, and it’s confirmed when he smells her coconut milk and white jasmine shampoo and rose lotion on DJ’s sweatshirt as he walks by. It’s so familiar that he feels like he’s been punched in the gut.</p>
<p>“You were with C… her. How is she?” This is no longer about how he’s feeling but about finding out anything he can about her. DJ’s seen her and knows. Irrationally, he’s jealous.</p>
<p>DJ grimaces. “Yeah, I was. How are you?”</p>
<p>“How is she?” he repeats, this time more urgently. It’s all he cares about right now. “Please?”</p>
<p>One thing about DJ is that he has always known when to fight and when to give in. He must not find this battle worth it because his face softens and he looks Duncan in the eyes. “Stressed. Sad. Tired. She looked about the same as you do right now.”</p>
<p>He needs more. How are three vague adjectives and a general physical description ever going to be enough? He loves her, and it’s been nineteen days since he’s heard anything about her. “What else? Please? Deej, I… I need to know.”</p>
<p>“Come on, man. I’d rather talk about you right now.” DJ rubs his temples. “I’m here to make sure you’re okay, not to… just, how are you?”</p>
<p>“What does it look like?” He motions down his body with his hand. “How do you think I am? I feel like shit. Is that what you want to hear? I hate myself, but that’s whatever. Now, please, just fucking tell me how she’s doing. Not that ‘tired’ bullshit, but something real. How is she?”</p>
<p>“Do you think maybe that isn’t really any of your business anymore?” DJ asks.</p>
<p><em>Like Hell it isn’t my business</em>, he wants to argue. <em>It’s her. She’ll always be my business</em>. He doesn’t say any of that. Instead, he says nothing, his jaw clenching and unclenching. DJ’s right; it’s not his business, and he knows it. She stopped being his business when he left her standing in her doorway. It’s why he hasn’t let himself wonder how she’s doing. Until now, that is.</p>
<p>DJ sighs, places a comforting hand on his arm. It doesn’t help. “Look, I don’t know what exactly happened between you two. All I got from her was that she ruined everything and that you must hate her, which I don’t think is true. Both of y’all are miserable. I’m just… I’m a little confused. I don’t understand why you broke up.”</p>
<p>Suddenly, he’s nauseous. She thinks he hates her. What an awful and untrue thought. Forget everything else, that’s all that matters. How could she… that’s impossible. He could never hate her. He wouldn’t know how. The only person he hates is himself, and this makes the self-loathing multiply by ten. His heart breaks into tinier pieces.</p>
<p>And that she ruined everything? Doesn’t she know it wasn’t her fault but his? Doesn’t she know that she’s perfect and he’s the shitty one? He wants to do something to make her see that, but he knows he can’t. He needs to leave her alone. But… she’s miserable, just like he is. Fuck. What’s he supposed to do?</p>
<p>“I… I left her. We weren’t okay, and instead of doing something about it, I left her. I didn’t want to, but I did anyway!” Finally, he crumples, his body hunching over. It’s all too much. “Deej, I hate myself.”</p>
<p>He feels DJ wrap his arms around him. It’s the first hug he’s gotten since that night, and something inside him breaks. She’s no longer the last person to wrap their body around him. Of course, this is a completely different, but it still feels wrong. Silent tears stream down his face.</p>
<p>After a minute, DJ pulls away. “I don’t know what to say to either of you. I’ve never seen you so… I don’t know the word to describe it, but it makes me sad. I still don’t understand what happened between you two.”</p>
<p>“Weren’t you listening?!” He stands up from the couch, gestures wildly. “I left her! I gave up! I didn’t put any effort into our relationship when I needed to! I let her slip away from me. I fucked everything up, not her. It was my fault.”</p>
<p>“Duncan…” DJ gets up and places his hand on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry this is happening to you. To either of you. I’ve never dated anyone, let alone broken up with anyone, so maybe I’m missing something, but… I’m sorry, but that sounds like bullshit. <em>Everything</em> I’ve heard tonight sounds like bullshit, not just from you. There seems to be an easy solution here. Why don’t y’all just get back together?”</p>
<p>Why don’t they just get back together? He wishes it were that easy. He wishes he could undo the past nineteen days and be hers again, but he can’t. They weren’t okay. He can’t be a shitty boyfriend to her anymore, and she can’t keep pushing him away. They need this time apart.</p>
<p>“It’s not… we can’t. Not yet, anyway. It wasn’t working. It’s only been nineteen days. Nothing is fixed between us.” He looks down at the floor between their bodies. He can’t look at DJ.</p>
<p>“Are you expecting things to just magically fix themselves? This breakup feels like a mistake. I don’t know, maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. Do you still love her?”</p>
<p>“Do I still… you’re kidding right?” His eyes snap to DJ’s, and he can feel the fire in them. “Do I still love her? Of course I still fucking love her! I’m always going to love her! She’s… it's her.”</p>
<p>DJ takes his hand of his shoulder and moves back to the couch. “Let’s sit down.” Duncan obliges. “I doubt this comes as a surprise to you, but she still loves you, too. She’s just as miserable as you are. I think you should call her. I left her working on her original composition, and I know she’s going to be awake for a while. She’s really stressed about it. I think calling her would make both of you feel a lot better.”</p>
<p>Shaking his head, he closes his eyes. “I can’t. I mean, yeah I want to. More than anything, but I can’t. I need to leave her alone. Don’t think this doesn’t break my heart because it does, but I just… I can’t call her.”</p>
<p>“I can’t… I’m sorry,” DJ sighs, breathing out slowly. “I want both of you to be okay. She said something similar when I suggested that she call you. You both want it, but neither of you are… I don’t understand. I love you like a brother, and my heart is broken for you, but someone, I don’t care who, needs to pull their head out of their ass. Do you enjoy feeling like shit? Do you enjoy being miserable? Because it seems like you do.”</p>
<p>So rarely does DJ speak so candidly and so crudely, and Duncan knows that it means he’s lost all patience in him. In her, too, probably. He’s thankful he’s already reached his breaking point because, if he hadn’t, that would do it.</p>
<p>“Whatever, man. I’m… I’m tired. Can we do this later?” He stands up from the couch, grabs his cigarettes and lighter off the coffee table. “Or not,” he mumbles when his back is to DJ.</p>
<p>“I think that’s probably for the best. I won’t lie, I’m frustrated with you right now. I know I shouldn’t be, but I can’t help it. You’re my best friend, and I feel like you’re sabotaging yourself.” DJ follows Duncan to the door. “You should think about what we talked about. My advice is call her.”</p>
<p>He opens the door. “Yeah, maybe.” They both walk outside. “I need a fucking cigarette. Have a safe drive.”</p>
<p>DJ nods, “thanks. Have a… I don’t know what to tell you. Bye, Duncan. I’ll text you tomorrow.” He gives him a pointed look before walking down the stairs.</p>
<p>Left alone, he leans against the wall and lights a cigarette. Somehow, he hates himself more now than he did before DJ arrived. Probably because he now knows how she’d doing and that it’s awful. Dammit. He should have just gone to bed four hours ago and not tell Geoff a single thing.</p>
<p>He’s not going to call her. It’s been nineteen days of silence, and he can’t break it just because they’re both having a rough night. Besides, a phone call wouldn’t fix anything anyway.</p>
<p>(It might be a start, though. He ignores that fact.)</p>
<p>Maybe DJ’s right; maybe he is self-sabotaging. Oh well.</p>
<p>Taking one final drag of his cigarette, he puts it out and goes back inside. It’s time for bed, time to pray that restless sleep will come easy tonight. He’s not hopeful.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>That was chapter two! I hope enjoyed it! Next chapter will include both Duncan and Courtney again. I won't make any promises as to when it will come out. I have it all planned, but I do need to start the next chapter of A Different, Better Timeline.</p>
<p>If you liked it, please don't hesitate to leave a comment or a kudos! I appreciate all of them.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. un-break my heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It’s been twenty-five days since he was last in her life, and today it goes back down to zero. She doesn’t know if she’s excited or scared to see him, but she needs this. He’s constantly on her mind, and she needs to see him. She loves him, and she misses him, and life sucks without him.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>take back that sad word goodbye / bring back the joy to my life / don't leave me hear with these tears / come and kiss this pain away<br/>
un-break my heart - toni braxton</strong>
</p><p>Courtney buzzes with nervous energy, and it grows as DJ drives farther from Aurora and closer to his momma’s restaurant in Brampton. Closer to him. She knows he can feel it; it’s radiating off her in waves, and she knows he’s worried about what’s going to happen when they see each other again. She’s worried about it, too.</p><p>It’s been twenty five days since he was last in her life, and today it goes back down to zero. She doesn’t know if she’s excited or scared to see him, but she needs this. He’s constantly on her mind, and she needs to see him. She loves him, and she misses him, and life sucks without him.</p><p>That night, their last night, was rough, and things haven’t gotten any easier. She’s lonely and stressed, and she wishes things could go back to the way it was before. Before she told him to leave and before he did. All she wants for today is to forget their breakup and pick up where they left off. Well, before she started being distant and not communicating, anyway. That’s what caused all this in the first place.</p><p>“Are you sure you want to do this?” DJ asks, and she hums. “It’s not too late to change your mind. If I exit now, we can be in Toronto in thirty minutes. Everyone will understand.”</p><p>He won’t, she thinks. Bridgette and Geoff might understand, but he won’t. He’ll think she’s trying to avoid him, and it’ll push him even further away from her. He’ll hate her more than he already must.</p><p>“I thought you wanted us to talk,” Courtney mumbles. “All week you’ve been telling me to get over myself and call him. What changed?”</p><p>“Nothing’s changed.” DJ glances at her. “I still think you two need to talk, but it shouldn’t be like this. The first time you see each other shouldn’t be in a get together with all your friends. It won’t give you any privacy to actually talk.”</p><p><em>That’s kind of the point</em>, she wants to say. <em>I just want things to be normal again</em>. Instead, she turns her body towards the window. “Maybe he’ll take me home. We could talk then,” she says it in a way she hopes sounds like an afterthought and not like the only thing she wants.</p><p>(The taking her home part, not the talking part. She’d rather he just bury himself inside of her and never leave.)</p><p>DJ laughs in a knowing way, like he was expecting her to say that, but thankfully doesn’t comment on it. “You should talk to Heather. She’s mad at you. Says you’ve been avoiding her.”</p><p>“That’s because I have been.” She remembers the last text Heather sent her, the name she called her, but she doesn’t care. She can’t bring herself to talk to her because then she’ll have to tell her, and she doesn’t want to hear what she has to say about it. “And I know she’s mad, but I don’t really care. She can get over it.”</p><p>“She’d be less mad if you talked to her. She’s just worried about you, okay?”</p><p>“Why is she worried?” She sits back up and looks at DJ. “Did you tell her?”</p><p>Shaking his head, DJ sighs, “no, I didn’t tell her. I told you I wouldn’t. But she hasn’t heard anything from you for a month. You’re one of her best friends. She’s going to be worried. And mad. I don’t know why you don’t want to tell her, but you should. She’d want to know, and it’d help you feel better.”</p><p>Courtney closes her eyes, sits back in the seat. “I just… I can’t. It’s one thing that you three know, but Heather… it’s different with her. She’d make me face it. I’m not ready for that yet.”</p><p>“Clearly. I can’t wrap my head around the lengths you two are taking to stay miserable. I’m almost convinced you don’t want to be happy, either of you.” DJ sighs again. “What do you think is going to happen at dinner? How do expect to see him and not face it? I’m curious.”</p><p>Her silence is deafening, and she knows it gives her answer. She doesn’t know what’s going to happen at dinner, but she’s nervous and excited and scared. She just wants to see him, and she hopes it’s the same for him.</p><p>The last fifteen minutes it takes to get to the diner are quiet. She uses this time to prepare a greeting she won’t use.</p><p>Maybe <em>hi, Duncan. I miss you in every waking moment, and I’m miserable without you. Let’s never be apart again.</em></p><p>Or maybe <em>oh, hey, Duncan. You look hot. Let’s ditch and have sex instead.</em></p><p>Or maybe just <em>hello, Duncan. It’s nice to see you.</em></p><p>All three have an element of truth to them (she’s miserable without him, he always looks hot, it’ll be nice to see him), but she thinks it’ll go more along the lines uncomfortable silence and not being able to hold eye contact with each other. It’s been so long since they’ve been together without <em>being</em> <em>together</em>, and even then it was different. She has no idea how she’s supposed to interact with him now that he’s not her boyfriend.</p><p>DJ pulls into the parking lot but doesn’t turn the car off. “Last chance to change your mind. We could go to my house or maybe Heather’s or just drive around for a while. You don’t have to do this.”</p><p>“Yes, I do.” She unbuckles her seatbelt. “DJ, please. I just… I need this. I miss him so much.” DJ just nods, turns the car off.</p><p>They’re greeted warmly when they enter the diner, something Courtney’s come to expect from Momma’s whether she’s with DJ or not. They claim a booth in the back and sit across from each other.</p><p>“It’ll be nice for all of us to be together again,” DJ says, and she nods. “I want to tell you about Duncan.” Her eyes snap to his. “He really misses you, too, and he’s just as…” he pauses, “…unhappy as you are. I hope you two are able to resolve something tonight. It hurts me to see you hurting, and I want it to be better.”</p><p>“Thanks,” she whispers, breaking eye contact and looking down at the menu. This isn’t the first time DJ’s told her about him and how he’s doing, and it makes her feel the same way it always does. More heartbroken and more like he must resent her with everything he has. He graduated early and moved across the country for her, and she rewarded him by shutting him out and causing their breakup.</p><p>Then, the door opens, and he walks in. Duncan Marino, the man she loves, is standing in the front of the diner. She stares as a waitress points him to their table, unable to tear her eyes away from him. He looks good, like she knew he would, and she’s hit with the overwhelming urge to cry. He’s actually here, and she’s seeing him for the first time in twenty five days.</p><p>He spots their table, and their eyes lock. She can’t look away, and he’s seemingly frozen in place. His eyes would be blank if not for the hint of yearning. After a minute, his brain appears to restart, and he’s walking to her. There’s a timidness to his step that she’s never seen in him before. She doesn’t like it.</p><p>Just like she’d expected, no words come out when she opens her mouth to greet him, but their eye contact is still going strong. He doesn’t even attempt to greet her; he just stands at the end of the table and looks at her.</p><p>DJ clears his throat. Neither acknowledge that. He sighs and tries again. “Duncan, hey! Nice to see you, man!”</p><p>“Yeah.” He finally looks away from her, and she misses his attention immediately. “Hey. What’s up?”</p><p>“Nothing much. We got here a few minutes ago, and we’re just waiting for everyone,” DJ chuckles. “And now you’re here! You wanna sit down?”</p><p>“Oh… yeah. Sorry.” He glances between her and DJ before sitting down and sliding into the booth next to her.</p><p>For the first time since that night, he’s close enough to touch. He’s close enough to smell his tobacco, leather, and spearmint scent she’s fallen in love with. He’s close enough to hear the ever steady rhythm of his breathing. She’s incredibly relieved he chose to sit next to her instead of DJ, but she’s worried about what it’ll do to her. It’s not enough, being just outside his personal bubble.</p><p>She can’t lean into him like she normally does. He’s not going to wrap his arm around her or put his hand on her thigh. They won’t greet each other with a kiss and a declaration of their love. Instead, they sit silently and let DJ carry the entirety of the conversation.</p><p>Tension grows between them in the seven minutes it takes for Geoff and Bridgette to arrive at the diner. DJ’s doing his best to ease it, but neither she nor Duncan do anything to help him. All Courtney’s efforts are focused on fighting her instincts. She just wants to close the distance between them and be his girlfriend again, even if only briefly. She wonders if it’s as hard for him as it is for her.</p><p>Eventually, Bridgette and Geoff are standing at the end of their table, huge grins on their faces. This is supposed to be a happy moment, she remembers, the first time they’re all together since August. Bridgette’s grin fades as notices the tension. It’s tangible and impossible to miss, but somehow Geoff does.</p><p>“Hey! Look, we’re all here!” Geoff exclaims, glancing around the table. His grin grows when he sees her. “Court! I haven’t seen you yet! Come here, give me a hug! I’ve missed you.”</p><p>“You too, Geoff.” Duncan’s sliding out of the booth already, but she reflexively puts her hand on his upper arm to help him out. It’s such a small, natural gesture, but it’s enough stop time. She’s touching him, and it’s great and lacking all at once. His eyes, which are screaming ‘holy shit,’ snap to hers. Holy shit, indeed. They’re touching.</p><p>The moment is broken when Geoff pulls her out of her seat and into a bear hug. It’s warm and comforting and from the wrong person. She can feel his eyes boring into the back of her head, and she wants to go back to him. Then, she’s being passed to Bridgette, and Geoff moves on to Duncan.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Bridgette whispers into her ear, and she just kind of shrugs, “I don’t know.”</p><p>(She’s not okay, but she’s also better than she’s been. She’s done in by a simple touch to the only guy who’s ever been inside of her. She feels like she did that first summer when they were sixteen. It’s regressive, but she’s too excited to care.)</p><p>Bridgette nods like she understands, but Courtney doesn’t see how she can. She’s never lost a love or even been in love. He’s the only one who can understand.</p><p>When it’s over, Duncan gets into the booth first. She wonders why he’s switching places with her until Bridgette’s thanking him and sitting down next to her. Suddenly, she’s glad they’ve already seen each other because this is all about him for her. It might make her a bad friend, but that’s nothing new.</p><p>Conversation is much smoother now that DJ isn’t the only one contributing, but she’s still mostly quiet, not speaking unless she’s asked a question. It’s the same with him. They order, and the food comes, and things are almost okay for a while.</p><p>But her arm keeps brushing against his as they eat their burgers, and he chuckles at one of Geoff’s stories, and she spots the <em>CC</em> tattoo on his wrist, and it’s all too much. She’s about five seconds away from crumpling.</p><p>Unsuccessfully blinking back her tears, she pushes Bridgette out of the booth and rushes out of the diner. She unceremoniously plops down on the sidewalk out front, not caring that everyone can see her crying. She wraps her arms around her legs, buries her face in her knees, and tries to stop shivering. Her cashmere sweater isn’t enough to keep her warm, but she left her coat inside, and she’s not going back in. She can’t.</p><p>A minute later, the door opens behind her, but she doesn’t look to see who it is. She knows it’s him. The sound of his footsteps are etched into her mind, and she could feel his presence anywhere. He drapes her coat around her shoulders before sitting down and lighting a cigarette.</p><p>It’s quiet as he smokes the cigarette. As much as she hates that he smokes them, the smell is comforting. The fact that he’s out here at all is comforting, and, by the time he’s done with it, she’s done crying.</p><p>He wraps his arms around her and pulls her to his chest. “CeCe,” he murmurs, and she’s crying again. He’s the only one who calls her that, and it’s been since before those twenty five days that he has.</p><p>Courtney buries her face in his shoulder, and he moves a hand to the back of her head, smooths down her hair. It’s a familiar position, and the tears come faster. “I know. It’s hard for me, too. Do you want me to take you home?”</p><p>“Yes, please,” she whispers as she lifts her face. “I don’t want to go back in there.” Her eyes find his, and they’re full of relief. His smile is sheer delight. It solaces her.</p><p>“You don’t have to.” Caressing her head, he lets go of her and stands. “Wait here. I’ll pay and get your stuff and let everyone know we’re leaving, okay? I’ll be right back.” Then, he disappears back into the diner.</p><p>Wiping away what she hopes are the last of her tears, she smiles to herself and puts her coat on properly. Things almost feel normal. He’s paying for her, which she knows she should have contested, and taking her home. It’d be a date if it weren’t for all the everything.</p><p>The door opens. She knows it’s not him; it wasn’t enough time to pay. Glancing behind her, she finds a concerned Bridgette. Great. This won’t be a conversation she wants to have.</p><p>“Were you just going to leave without saying ‘bye?’” Bridgette stands in front of her, looks down at her. Courtney just shrugs. “I can take you home if you want to go home. Geoff will let me take his car. He can get a ride from DJ.”</p><p>She shakes her head, “no, it’s okay. Duncan’s taking me home.”</p><p>Judging by the way Bridgette’s face hardens, that’s not the answer she wants. She doesn’t care. “Are you sure? I don’t mind.”</p><p>Shaking her head again, she sighs, “Bridgette, no. Let me have this.”</p><p>“Court…” Bridgette lets out a frustrated groan. “Are you sure you’ve thought this through? I don’t think it’s the best idea. Please, let me take you home instead.”</p><p>“Duncan is taking me home,” she repeats, her voice firm. “I need him to take me home. I’m sorry if you don’t like that, but you can’t be mad at me for this. I love him, and it has nothing to do with you.”</p><p>Bridgette’s shoulders slump. “Yeah, fine. I know. I just want to make sure you know what you’re doing. I don’t want you getting hurt.”</p><p>“He’s not going to hurt me.” Courtney stands as the door opens again. It’s him. “He won’t.” Maybe she shouldn’t, but she believes the words she says. He wouldn’t hurt her, at least not on purpose.</p><p>“You ready?” His hand grabs hold of hers, and she’s immediately more at ease. This is how it’s supposed to be.</p><p>She turns to him and smiles, “yes. Thank you.” Glancing at Bridgette, she waves a hand. “We’re going now. Bye.”</p><p>Wriggling her fingers, Bridgette offers a tightlipped smile. “Bye. I’ll text you tomorrow.” She takes a step closer to her, peeks at Duncan. “Just… be careful, Courtney. Be sure he’s worth it.” Then, without giving her a chance to reply, Bridgette marches past them and into the diner.</p><p>It’s just the two of them now, and Courtney’s gripping his hand as tight as she can. She thinks she might be shaking, too. Whatever. Bridgette can think whatever the Hell she wants. He’s worth it. He’ll always be worth it. What gives her the right to imply he’s not?</p><p>(This has to be the right thing. He has to be worth it. She doesn’t know what she’ll do if things somehow get worse than they already are between them, so they can’t.)</p><p>Letting go of her hand, he wraps his arm around her and tucks her under it. She melts into his side. “Ce, come on. It doesn’t matter what she thinks.” He starts walking towards the parking lot, and she lets him lead her. “This doesn’t have anything to do with anyone except you and me.” They stop at his motorcycle, and he releases her. “Let’s go.”</p><p>She can hardly wait as he unlocks the storage compartment. All she wants is to be at her house, in her bed with him. It’s her favorite place, and it’s happening tonight. He hands her a helmet, her helmet, and she puts it on. The fact that he brought hers in the first place tells her that he was hoping for this, too. It’s a good feeling, knowing he wants to be with her. It’s one she’s missed.</p><p>He gets on first, and she’s right behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist. Sticking the key in the ignition, he twists it, and the motorcycle roars to life. He gives her hand a quick squeeze before pulling out of the parking lot and starting the route towards Aurora.</p><p>The drive passes quickly and slowly all at once. It’s a bit cold, late March still too early to ride a motorcycle at night, but Courtney finds that she doesn’t mind. How can she when her arms encircle his middle and her entire front is pressed against his back? The motorcycle doesn’t allow for much talking, either, and she’s grateful for that.</p><p>Forty five minutes later, he pulls into her driveway and turns off the engine. Unwrapping her arms from around him, she disembarks the motorcycle and pulls off her helmet. He does the same before taking her helmet and putting both back into the storage. Then, he turns to face her.</p><p>“Thanks for taking me home.” Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, she glances over her shoulder to the door. “Would you like to come inside?” It’s a formality, really. His helmet is already locked away.</p><p>“It was nothing, Court.” He touches her arm before sliding his hand down and slipping it into hers. He’s already walking towards the door when he says, “yeah, I would. I’d like that a lot.”</p><p>“Me too,” she whispers as she steps closer to him.</p><p>Unlocking the door, she locks it again right behind her. She doesn’t anticipate him leaving until the morning. They both know the purpose of tonight, and it’s not something either will want to cut short.</p><p>“Go ahead to my room. I’ll be there in a minute.” She nudges him towards the stairs. “Make yourself comfortable.”</p><p>“Okay. I will. Do whatever you need to.” Pressing a kiss to her cheek, he takes off up the stairs.</p><p>Her feet planted to the ground, Courtney hovers her hand over her cheek. He kissed her. His lips touched her skin for the first time in twenty five days, and it’s the same kind of kiss as their last kiss. She wants to cry and chase after him for a real kiss all at once.</p><p>It takes a minute, but she wills herself to walk to her kitchen and pull out two glasses. As she fills them up with water, she prepares herself for what’s about to happen.</p><p>She hasn’t been this nervous before sex since they gave each other their virginities a year and a half ago. She hasn’t been this excited about sex since December when they hadn’t seen each other for four months before. She doesn’t want to wait any longer, but she needs to let herself breathe first.</p><p>(It’s not the sex itself she’s nervous about but what it means for them after. She doesn’t know what the fallout will be or if anything will change between them, and that scares her. The excitement, however, falls solely on the sex.)</p><p>Drinking half of her glass, she fills it back up again. Somehow, it puts her more at ease. She does that two more times before going upstairs.</p><p>He’s lying in the center of her bed when she gets there, wearing nothing but his boxers. The lights are off, but her bedside lamp illuminates his body. This sight has been sorely missed. Closing the door behind her, she crosses the distances between them in three big steps and sits next to him.</p><p>“I brought you some water.” She offers him the glass and sets her down on her nightstand. He takes it, and she works on removing her coat and boots.</p><p>“Thanks.” Sitting up, he takes a couple of long sips. Then, he sets his glass next to hers and moves behind her, caressing her shoulder. “I hope you don’t mind my state of dress. You told me to get comfortable.”</p><p>Looking over her shoulder, she smiles. “No. It’s fine. Your clothes weren’t staying on for much longer, regardless.”</p><p>A deep, throaty growl escapes him, and he fingers the hem of her sweater. “Court… fuck, baby. You’re… we’re doing this? You want to do this?”</p><p>She nods, “yeah. If you do.”</p><p>“Fuck yes, I do.” His other hand finds her sweater, and he pulls it over her head and discards it on the floor. “I’m always gonna want this. I’m always gonna want you.”</p><p>His bare chest against her bare back burns in the best possible way. She’s electrified. She wants it to be time already, but this needs to be perfect. Reluctantly, she pushes herself off the bed. “I need to take care of a few things in the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”</p><p>“I’ll be here,” he groans, flipping to his back. He’s already ready for what’s next, she notices, and it motivates her to move fast.</p><p>Eyeing her sweater, coat, and boots, she decides to leave them where they are before entering her en suite. There will be time to pick up later. After using the bathroom, washing her hands, and brushing her teeth, she takes a brief moment to check her appearance. She looks fine, so she shimmies out of her jeans and leaves them lying on the bathroom floor. The non-sex-focused Courtney would have a fit, but the sex-focused one doesn’t care at all.</p><p>She exits the bathroom, and she has his undivided attention as soon as she’s out. His eyes travel down her body and back up again. He’s out of his boxers now, and she does the same.</p><p>“Duncan,” she murmurs, and that’s enough to make him shoot out of bed and come to her. He grabs her hip, presses their bodies together. The sensation, while pleasurable, isn’t enough. It needs to be time. “Kiss me. Now.”</p><p>He abides immediately, kissing her with all the fervor she knows he has. Maybe more. His fingernails dig into her shoulder blade as he grinds against her. He bites her bottom lip; she whines. Why aren’t they in bed yet? Placing a hand on his chest (and the other on his ass), she walks them to her bed. As they move, he works on unclasping her bra. It’s on the floor by the time she pushes him onto his back.</p><p>The position’s awkward, their bodies half hanging off the bed, but it’ll do. She’s still able to climb on top of him and kiss the spot on his neck she knows will make him lose all control. Groaning, he rocks his hips under her. She’s reminded of the unfortunate last layer of clothing between them.</p><p>Courtney sits with the intentions of standing, but, before she can, he’s sitting up with her and flipping her onto her back. Situating her in the middle of the bed, he takes his spot between her legs.</p><p>“You’re still good with this?” he asks as hovers over her.</p><p>“Yes.” Placing her hand on the back of his neck, she strokes the skin there. “I need you inside me.”</p><p>Closing his eyes, he groans again. “God, baby. You’re…” He doesn’t finish his thought, instead lowering himself down her body and grabbing her hips. It’s time.</p><p>There are no tears this time. It’s not soft or slow or quiet, but passionate, frenzied, and loud. Her only thoughts are about how great it feels and how right their bodies are together.</p><p>It ends with Duncan collapsing on top of her. Both are breathing heavy. They stay like that for a few minutes, just letting themselves come down. The excitement was well placed, she thinks, because she’s not disappointed in how he made her feel. She doesn’t have it in her to be nervous about what’s next.</p><p>He presses a lazy kiss to her cheek before rolling off her and nudging her to her side. Wrapping his arm around her, he pulls her against him. Then, “I love you.”</p><p>“Hmmm?” Courtney hums, her eyes blinking open. Deep down, she knows they shouldn’t be saying this, even if it’s true, but she whispers, “I love you, too.” The post-sex cuddling is distracting her from the fact that they still aren’t together and haven’t talked about anything. “Are you spending the night?”</p><p>“I have work tomorrow.” She stiffens in his arm. What? Is that a no? It can’t be a no. He can’t leave already. “Yeah, I can stay.” She relaxes again, and he laughs, kisses her hair.</p><p>Flipping around, she takes him in. He’s chilled in a way she hasn’t seen from him in a long time. “Yay.” Tilting her head up, she kisses him. “Do you want to watch a movie?”</p><p>(She knows they need to talk, but that’s not what she wants right now. She doesn’t want to ruin their post-sex bliss but enjoy it for as long as she can. A movie is safe. Talking is not.)</p><p>“Yeah. Movies are good.” Evidently, he’s not too interested in talking, either. “I don’t care what we watch. You pick whatever you want.”</p><p>She kisses him one more time before pushing herself away from him and out of bed. Three minutes later, she’s back with her robe, laptop, and a copy of The Sound of Music. He’s still lying on his side, so she sits with her back against his chest and sets up the movie.</p><p>As it plays, she softly sings along with the music. She doesn’t miss the way he’s more at ease during the songs. He’s not watching the movie, she knows, but her, so it’s not surprising when he slips his hand between her thighs during intermission. What’s surprising is how long it took for him to do it.</p><p>So, they don’t finish the movie. She hastily removes the DVD from her laptop and places both on her nightstand. That’s not where either of them go, but she’s not getting out of bed.</p><p>Round two is better than the first. Now that they’ve gotten through it once, they can focus more on each other. They fall asleep right after.</p><p>Courtney’s alone when she wakes up. For a moment, she thinks last night was just a really great dream, but she’s not wearing any clothes, and her room’s messy. Duncan was here. He was here when she fell asleep and here when he woke her up at one AM and pressed his erection against her thigh. But now he’s gone. He’s never been gone before. Her heart is broken more than it was before. Did last night mean nothing to him? Does <em>she</em> mean nothing to him?</p><p>Forcing herself up, she rips the sheets off her bed. Those need to be washed. Next, she tidies up. She wraps her robe around her. The Sound of Music goes back in her DVD drawer and her laptop back to her desk. Her boots and coat in the closet and her clothes in the hamper. His shirt folded and placed in the drawer she keeps of his clothes.</p><p>Wait. His shirt. His shirt is still here. Coming out of her mechanical stupor, she looks around her room. His shoes poke out from under the bed, his jacket hangs from her desk chair, and his keys are on the nightstand. He can’t be gone if his keys are here.</p><p>She gets dressed in more than just her robe before leaving to find him. Going downstairs, she finds the coffee maker on and a half-drank cup on the kitchen counter, but no Duncan. He has to be here somewhere. She goes through the dining room to the parlor, and that’s when she spots him. He’s standing on her back patio, his back to her and smoking a cigarette.</p><p>Sliding the glass door open, she steps outside. He looks to her. “I thought you left.” She walks to him and tries to wrap her arms around him. He sidesteps. What?</p><p>“I almost did.” Taking a drag of his cigarette, he turns back to her yard. Suddenly, all the fear from yesterday makes sense. “I thought it might be easier, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave without saying anything.”</p><p>Easier? For whom? Certainly not her. The second part, however, gives her a shimmer of hope. “You want to talk?”</p><p>“Only for a minute.” He looks at her carefully. She’s expectant. “Last night shouldn’t have happened.”</p><p>Just like that, her hope is shattered. Wrapping her arms around herself, she shrinks back. “It was a mistake for you?”</p><p>He sighs, “no. Fuck.” He reaches out a hand that falls flat. “No. You’re not a mistake, but we shouldn’t have… we shouldn’t have slept together. We should have been more careful.”</p><p>“But… Duncan.” Her eyes well up with tears, and she turns away from him. He can’t see her cry again. “I… I love you. We’re… I love you.”</p><p>“We don’t have time for this right now, Ce.” Walking past her and through the door she left open, he turns to face her. “I need to leave for work in a few minutes.”</p><p>She goes in after him and closes the door. “But… but we can talk later? After you get home from work?”</p><p>Shaking his head, he sighs again, “I don’t think we should. We still need time. I think we should go back to a clean break for now.”</p><p>“But… but why? I… Duncan.” She follows him through her dining room and kitchen before he stops in her living room. “I love you.”</p><p>“Courtney, come on. You know that’s best. Can’t you see how bad this is right now?”</p><p>Anger replaces her sadness. He thinks this is bad? That they’re bad? She doesn’t want to see him anymore. Sitting on her couch, she says, “fine. If you think we’re so bad, then you can get just ready for work and go. You know where the door is.”</p><p>He doesn’t move. “You know that’s no–”</p><p>She doesn’t want to listen to him anymore. “I said you can go!”</p><p>“Okay. I know.” He lets out a long breath. “And you know I love you, too.”</p><p>Courtney stays sitting on her couch in the dark as he goes upstairs and gets ready. She’s not getting up until he’s gone. Everything that could have gone wrong this morning did. He doesn’t… he hurt her so badly. He has to know that. The worst part is that she knew this could happen but didn’t think it would. She thought… she doesn’t know what she thought. Maybe nothing.</p><p>He comes back downstairs. She hears him unlock the door but not open it. “Court, I’m going.” He waits for a few moments but she refuses to answer. Sighing, he opens the door. “Goodbye,” he says as he closes it behind him.</p><p>Like last time, she waits until she hears his motorcycle drive down the street. Then, she goes back upstairs, crawls into her sheetless bed, and thinks about all the things she should have said to him last night.</p><p>What’s she supposed to do now? Face it, finally, and that terrifies her.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you enjoyed chapter three! I know it's been a long time, so thank you to everyone who's still reading. Next chapter will be a bit happier than this one, I hope, but no promises on when it will come out. I'm planning on writing the next two chapters of A Different, Better Timeline first, then the fourth chapter of this. Also, I've never mentioned this, so in case anyone is wonder: the title and lyrics in summary are from Imogen Heap's Hide and Seek.</p><p>If you liked it, please don't hesitate to leave a comment or a kudos! I appreciate all of them, especially comments. I love reading about what you enjoyed. 😁</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This story has been on my heart for a long time. I was going to wait until I was done with A Different, Better Timeline before I wrote it, but I honestly needed a little break from that. The next chapter is coming though, I promise. I'm going to try not to focus all of my attention here.</p><p>This will be seven chapters long. I have no upload schedule in mind, but you knew that.</p><p>I appreciate any and all kudos and comments.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>